Sunday, August 30, 2009

For Lucy

The blog that follows was written weeks ago and saved to a draft. I don't know why I didn't post it. It didn't feel right. I didn't feel like I could expose that much of myself or Lucy on a public forum like this. It was too much. Too fast. Too soon. But I have come to realize that Lucy is far stronger than I have given her credit for. Sadly, I know far too many people with loved ones deployed right now. And Lucy is holding her own. She's making her new life work and not letting some dumb deployment change her. She might have a few tears in her eyes, but she's still Lucy. She didn't move from her house. And she's never lived alone before. She didn't quit her job to wait around at home. So as brave and courageous as her husband is for risking it all for a pay check, she is just as brave and courageous to live a life for a year without this man that she's risked it all for. She doesn't complain. She doesn't live her life with a cell phone glued to her hip (even though I do that now and Joe's 13 minutes away from me most days). When Joe was in Germany, I took a shower with my phone in a plastic baggy so I wouldn't miss a call or text. I was young. And not realistic at all. Lucy is. Lucy knows that 'Ricky' loves her more than anything on this Earth and will do his best to call her when he can. And if he doesn't, he's just busy. She doesn't jump to wild conclusions like a lot of the people I know. She might think them in her head. But she doesn't act frantic about it. If she did, we would all jump up to comfort her. So maybe she just doesn't want 9 paras hugging and bothering her constantly.

Lucy said something to me in passing the other day. "I was supposed to live upstairs with you and Rigel." And that feeling of guilt that I've been trying to hide came rushing back. She was. She was supposed to live with us. And I wish I could do more. I'm not a very good friend. I don't know the right thing to say or do. Especially in this situation. I'm here. And if I ever thought Lucy really needed someone, I would be there. But as far as I can tell, she's handling this better than all of the others.

So here it is, For Lucy.

I have a friend I've been thinking about a lot lately. We'll call her Lucy (an alias I think is fairly fitting). Her husband is deploying soon... this month... in a matter of days. I watch this stuff on TV and I think about her. I look at my husband and I think about her. I hear footsteps upstairs and I think about her. I watch my husband sleep and I think about her.

I think it's guilt. I know it's guilt.

My husband was supposed to deploy this July as well. But his deployment was canceled right after it was issued. But Lucy's husband's wasn't. And it's not fair. We were going to live together and support one another.

I feel this relief when I think about Joe's canceled deployment and the situation I could be in right now. I could be counting down the days, the hours, the kisses, the hugs, the dinners at home, the footsteps upstairs...

But I feel so guilty that I'm not in that situation with Lucy. It's a bittersweet feeling. Joe wanted to be deployed. He feels like he's ready and wants to take that risk. And yet he's here when there are men deploying with families that need them here at home, that don't really want to deploy right now.

So here it is Lucy. If you ever need ANYTHING, I'll be there for you. I'm a great cryer. And Rigel loves the warm salty tears. I cry laying in the floor. He licks all of the tears off my face with his hot little dog tongue. I think it helps.

And I think you need to start a blog. You have far more to say than I ever will. Even the bird of useless knowledge has a blog. :^)

Have a good day Lucy.

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