Wednesday, December 1, 2010

37 Weeks!!!

DAY 260!!
Buh Bye November!!

This is very exciting on many levels. My advent starts today! My mom created an advent calendar for me this year since I'm alone in Colorado and Joe isn't here. I get to open one present a day from now until Christmas. Sorry for the crooked pic, it's the best I could get in my small hallway. I wonder what's in the first box???

Another month down! So basically, we only have 2 months and some change left in this deployment. This is a FANTASTIC thing!! We still don't have a redeployment date, or even a mail cut off date for that matter, but such is life. I know having a date this far out is probably unrealistic. But I want them to just start acting like they're coming home soon.

Deployment walls. I had two completely different conversations with people about hitting walls this week. I have decided that if you hit one, deal with it then. But if you try to anticipate them, or just sit and wait for it, of course it's going to happen. Don't drag yourself through this deployment, be an active participant, whatever that means for you. I use countdowns and care packages. Joe and I decided that this deployment just might be a positive thing after all. We have our reasons, none that I care to share with you right this minute. But I have decided that I wont hit another wall. And I may, something may happen and I might crumble, but I'm not going to wallow in this deployment. I have tried not to the whole time, but now I am making a cognitive decision to... well.. be happy. I am giving myself permission to be happy, even without Joe, all alone, for Christmas and New Years and my birthday. And I will still miss Joe like crazy, I'm not saying my life will be all flowers and puppy dog tails. But I was sitting in my office laughing about something Joe said, and in that moment, I felt completely happy. I haven't let myself feel that way in such a long time. I felt SO guilty afterwards. But why?? Yeah, yeah, my husband is deployed. But its almost over. And I am a person, I need to feel happy. I need it on a molecular level. I need to laugh until milk comes out of my nose. I need to bathe myself in the endorphins of happy and joy. I need to take care of myself, mentally, so I can be a better partner when Joe comes home. So buh bye deployment walls. I'm sure you served a purpose 80 days into this deployment, but after 260 days, I'm done with you. I don't need you as a coping mechanism anymore. I have my happy back. So I wanted to give all of you dealing with the same deployment demons that I am the permission to be happy, without feeling guilty.

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