Wednesday, January 26, 2011

45 Weeks Down!!!

Day 316

45 weeks. Where did the time go? Not that I'm complaining. It's awesome that it's pretty much flown by.

They say that in the end, you think about the beginning. And I have been thinking about the beginning of the deployment a lot lately. I think about the first day. And the first night. And the first month. All of the unknowns. I've learned a lot about myself in the last 10 months. I'm much stronger than I ever thought I was. Especially after that first day. I can see how some women cant cope. It's such a hard reality. What we do isnt normal. But I'm very proud that I can say this deployment hasnt kept me from living and moving on with life. Living alone. Holding down a house alone. Work. School.... school. My absolute dream was made possible by Joe's deployment. It's an odd realization for us both that this deployment has kinda been a positive thing. Joe got his patch. I got to go back to school. We will pay off his car. And have a nice little savings. We both were able to take a closer look at our priorities and our future. And we both discovered that the Army and this lifestyle just arent for us anymore. We're counting down the days until Joe ETSs and we can be civilians again. It's not even the deployments, which by definition, suck. But it's the whole lifestyle, the rank, the moves, chain of command you cant change, the hours, the amount of work Joe puts in for such little pay, I'm over it all. He can go get a simple 4 year degree and make TWICE what he makes as a SGT with half of the trouble. I've said it once, and I'll say it again, I'm not cut out to be an Army wife. I dont keep my mouth shut. I'm not a wife that just follows along. I'm selfish, for myself and my family. And it kills me that Joe isnt happy. But we can change that. We arent stuck in the Army forever. He'll finish out his contract, and then we can go be normal again. I miss normal. I miss normal worries, like cars and house morgages. I dont want to worry about the internet in Iraq and making sure Joe comes home with all his limbs. I'm done with all this.

Is there any book that you read over and over again? I read The Diary of Anee Frank and To Kill A Mockingbird a couple times when I was a teen. But I dont come across books I want to read again very often. When I was still in high school, my mother borrowed the book The Lovely Bones from a friend of hers. She read it. And then let me read it. And it made a pretty big impression on me. I used to tell people about this strangly wonderful book. So when the movie came out last year, my husband actually took me to see it, even though he thought it was a "girl movie" and he NEVER goes with me to see girl movies. The movie was okay, but the book was much better, as books usually are. Saoirse Ronan, who was Lina Mayfleet in The City of Ember, played Susie Salmon and did a great job. And Mark Wahlberg was a surprise to watch as the dad. But I've been thinking about the book a lot lately. I dont know what's going on in my life right now that would make me think about that sad story. So I hunted the book down and I'm going to put it on my Nook so I can read it all the time.

Check out the Chili's $20 Gift Card Giveaway right under this post. It ends Jan 30th.

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FallonElla said...

Awe, I love your honesty and I don't blame you for wanting your civilian life back, especially if your husband isn't happy. It's def. not worth living this lifestyle it's effecting the happiness of the one you love and the one whose career keeps your life in upheaval. I don't know if you saw the latest issue of Army Times, but it referenced the difference in pay between enlisted lifers compared to LT's in for 3 years. At any rate, I'm glad you got to go back to school and many great things have come of this, but I'm also happy that you've both made the decision together that you've served and that service will be complete (hopefully sooner than later for you) Take Care!

Expat Girl said...

Woop woop for the deployment still flying by for you guys. I think we all wonder whether we should choose the civilian life esp during a deployment but Mr Soldier and I are kinda too scared to walk into that world just now so we are sticking it out. Good for you guys for being brave enough to do it : )