Joe and I are PCSing to Ft. Carson, CO this December. The chances of him deploying are pretty good. Everyone keeps asking me, are you moving home?
Ugh.. I just don't know. I've never been to Colorado Springs. I might absolutely love it and want to stay there forever. I might hate it and relish the idea of getting out of there. I don't know.
But besides all of that, I have the ability to go home if I want to. I can live in my old college town; work, go to school, be around family and friends. It would be nice.
But if I love the Springs, I might want to stay there. I lived alone in college. It doesn't really bother me.
There is only one nagging thought in the back of my mind. What if something happens to Joe? I would much rather be at home surrounded my family and friends. But it's so much more than just being comforted. If I was living in the Springs, I would have to pick my life up and move. In the middle of all the turmoil and sorrow, I would have to pack up my whole life with my husband and move it some where else. I would have to change everything around me. If I was already home, I would have a life here, a plan here. I would by able to pick up the pieces and go on much easier. Physically, not much would change.
And here comes the psychological thoughts...
Would I be trying to keep myself in denial? I could just pretend Joe was downrange forever? I would have time to confront the fact that my husband is dead in a familiar comforting place.
Okay, I can hear the sighs already. My last two posts (this one and the one before this) have been about Joe dying downrange. Will I think about it? Of course. We all do. But I need to plan. I need to know what I would do in a certain situation. I'm sure some of you do this too. I need to have the thoughts already sorted out in my head so I know what to do if something like this happens. Do I think Joe will die downrange. Not really. It's a possibility. He's in the Army and he would be downrange. Of course it's a possibility. But I just cant think like that. It would ruin my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely not one of these people that try to stay positive all the time. Sometimes positivity isn't the way to go. I try to stay realistic. And being realistic to me means planning out the details.