Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Should I stay or should I go?

Joe and I are PCSing to Ft. Carson, CO this December. The chances of him deploying are pretty good. Everyone keeps asking me, are you moving home?

Ugh.. I just don't know. I've never been to Colorado Springs. I might absolutely love it and want to stay there forever. I might hate it and relish the idea of getting out of there. I don't know.

But besides all of that, I have the ability to go home if I want to. I can live in my old college town; work, go to school, be around family and friends. It would be nice.

But if I love the Springs, I might want to stay there. I lived alone in college. It doesn't really bother me.

There is only one nagging thought in the back of my mind. What if something happens to Joe? I would much rather be at home surrounded my family and friends. But it's so much more than just being comforted. If I was living in the Springs, I would have to pick my life up and move. In the middle of all the turmoil and sorrow, I would have to pack up my whole life with my husband and move it some where else. I would have to change everything around me. If I was already home, I would have a life here, a plan here. I would by able to pick up the pieces and go on much easier. Physically, not much would change.

And here comes the psychological thoughts...
Would I be trying to keep myself in denial? I could just pretend Joe was downrange forever? I would have time to confront the fact that my husband is dead in a familiar comforting place.

Okay, I can hear the sighs already. My last two posts (this one and the one before this) have been about Joe dying downrange. Will I think about it? Of course. We all do. But I need to plan. I need to know what I would do in a certain situation. I'm sure some of you do this too. I need to have the thoughts already sorted out in my head so I know what to do if something like this happens. Do I think Joe will die downrange. Not really. It's a possibility. He's in the Army and he would be downrange. Of course it's a possibility. But I just cant think like that. It would ruin my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely not one of these people that try to stay positive all the time. Sometimes positivity isn't the way to go. I try to stay realistic. And being realistic to me means planning out the details.


TheAlbrechtSquad said...

All your thoughts are completely normal. I too felt the need to plan "just in case". I do it every time my husband goes away. I feel like I have to be ready. I have never thought about going home during a deployment. I have always wanted to be where my husband and I established "our home". I wanted to be where I could imagine him standing in the kitchen or playing with our kids. I needed those visions to keep me sane.
I have even played through the scenario of who I would call, where would I live after and all of those if something did happen.

I know it's a lot of thinking and planning and in the end I know you will do what is right for you.

The Undomestic Army Wife said...

Stay. I have seen both sides of going and staying. The people that I have seen leave complain about wanting to be home and I must agree. My home is where my husband and I have put down our roots. You will also be surrounded by the military community. The people that understand what you are going through and "get it". You won't find that kind of support from friends and family unless they have been there.

Java Cupcake said...

So... I see both sides of your struggle. And, I have thought about my husband and the possibility of him dying as well. Personally for me... I am looking forward to the day we PCS out of Fort Lewis. I see it more as an opportunity to experience new things and grow as a person and as a family. So, if I were in your situation, I would try to continue to look at a PCS in that way. As a good thing. Yes... if something (God forbid) happened to your soldier... that would be HORRIBLE. But, your family is only a plane ride away and moving back home wouldn't be something you'd have to stress yourself with right away. And, by the sounds of it... you'd have plenty of people to help you.

Take deep breaths. You are stronger than you realize. You can do this. :)

Much love from one Army Wife to Another.


Julie said...

It is a hard decision to make. I almost went home for the whole deployment this last time because our living situation sucked and there was no way I could stay in it another year without him. But then we were able to move to a better area and a better house before the deployment. I ended up going home for 3 months during the summer. But glad I didn't go for the whole time.

Could you move and get set up in CO and then have the option on vacationing at home when you needed to? I think that would be the ideal. It is nice to have your own space and your own home even if he is away. It is still YOURS.

I do think about what I would do if something happened to him. I have always had a basic plan of where I would go and what my plan would be. I think most wives in our position do that.

It really is a hard decision to make *HUGS*

The Army Wife said...

I'm a big fan of STAYING during a deployment. I look at it this way --- you're going to have go back there anyways. Why uproot your life again unnecissarily? Stay. Get a job. Make friends. You will have a life there eventually, you might as well get started on it. It will make dealing with a deployment so much easier if you have people who understand.

But again, that's just my super-independant two cents. You gotta do what's best for you!

Sara said...

Thank you all so much for the comments. I love to hear all the different stories and ideas. I have almost decided to stay. It will be *my* home. It will be *our* home. He will have his own home to return to on R&R. His own home to return to after the deployment. He can have the image of me in our home when he's downrange. And I can keep the thoughts of him cooking dinner with me and playing with the dog in our living room.

And from what I understand, Colorado Springs is the best little town on the planet. I can find a job and go back to school to get my masters. And my family is only a phone call away!

Kayla said...

I think its completely healthy to think/plan about this! It makes you feel better! An FRG leader of mine suggested we start "worry journals" if we find that these thoughts encroach our daily routines, or affect how we operate on a regular basis. You write down everything, and I mean everything, that worries you. No shame, no reservations. Once its out on the paper, you take it and go step by step. How would I solve this problem if it did happen to me? How would I deal with it after my possible grief? Its really helped me. I set aside my time to worry and plan, and it has made me MUCH less on-edge. Plans are good. You're doing the right thing. :-)

Kim said...

I think that it is great that you are planning for either way. I am actually doing the same thing right now. My husband is getting ready to deploy we have been at our current duty station for a little over a year. I just got a full time job in sept and can't decide weather to move me and my two little one back home to TN or stay here and keep us on our normal everyday schudule.It is one of the hardest desicions i have ever made.If i stay here,with no friends and keep us on our schudule and keep my pretty good job i feel like the time will go by faster.If i move home to a house that isn't mine and don't work i will be thinking about him and how much longer til he comes home. Plus all of the family will keep asking me 50 questions. So you planning is a good thing. I thought i had my mind made up and planned everything out and now that i have to make a decision tomorrow i am second guessing my decision to go home. So good luck planning.