Do you think things happen for a reason? Do you think you have certain experiences so you can be prepared for something at a later date?
Joe said that he doesn't worry about me living alone. I'm not one of those girls that went from my daddy's house to my hubby's house. I lived alone while I was in college. Its not all that bad. Joe said he worries about me missing him. I guess that's a normal worry. The man I love is going to a war zone for a year. I'll miss him with ever fiber of my being. It will be hard to live without him. But I assume I will get used to it. Which I think will be even harder to live with.
"We've gotten lucky I haven't deployed yet. This has been borrowed time. My year deployed will be fine. And I will come back fine. And then you too will be a seasoned Army wife and know how to deal with a deployment. Sara, its not TWO YEARS in Germany. Dont think about me leaving, think about me coming home."
Even now I go through the motions of living in this house and wonder what it will feel like when he's gone. When his tan boots aren't by the door. When the video game peeps aren't in the background. When his dirty clothes arent piled up in our closet.
I think about the year apart. Cooking alone. Sleeping alone. Living alone. But lately, I've been thinking past that. I've been thinking about what will happen when he returns. Will things be the same? Will he be the same? Will I be the same? Will we do some of the same things, like cuddle on the couch? Will he touch me the same way? Will he look at me the same way? When I ask Joe, I get the best response: "I'll still be me." But I've been around long enough and have done my research on PTSD and other issues returning soldiers can have to know the answers to these questions (A blessing and a curse to have a psychology background in this case). Joe can pretend all he wants, but he's never been in a war before. He's never had to aim at another person. He's never had to take a life. It changes people. And it should! That's a very profound moment in someone's life. How you react to that action defines who you are as a person, who you are as a soldier. Joe knows me well enough to know what to say to me. He describes his job and how *safe* he will be. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around this one, but we'll see. He even got his spare gas mask out and showed me how it works. It was a cute little memory I will hold on to.
So here I am .. 26 years old. Living in Colorado. Preparing to live on my own for a year. With a loyal dog. And a loving husband. Looking for a good job. Dreaming of grad school. Thinking about myself at 20. You really never know what's just around the corner.