Thursday, January 21, 2010

You really never know what's just around the corner.

How did I get here? I've been asking myself that a lot lately. Not that I regret any of it. But it seems like all of a sudden, in a blink of an eye, I'm 26, married to a soldier, living in Colorado, talking about a deployment. Its just ridiculous to think about. I've loved Joe since I was 18 years old. But when we were in college together, there was NO way I would have ever thought we would be living in Colorado. I never would have thought he would be a soldier.

Do you think things happen for a reason? Do you think you have certain experiences so you can be prepared for something at a later date?

Joe said that he doesn't worry about me living alone. I'm not one of those girls that went from my daddy's house to my hubby's house. I lived alone while I was in college. Its not all that bad. Joe said he worries about me missing him. I guess that's a normal worry. The man I love is going to a war zone for a year. I'll miss him with ever fiber of my being. It will be hard to live without him. But I assume I will get used to it. Which I think will be even harder to live with.

"We've gotten lucky I haven't deployed yet. This has been borrowed time. My year deployed will be fine. And I will come back fine. And then you too will be a seasoned Army wife and know how to deal with a deployment. Sara, its not TWO YEARS in Germany. Dont think about me leaving, think about me coming home."

Even now I go through the motions of living in this house and wonder what it will feel like when he's gone. When his tan boots aren't by the door. When the video game peeps aren't in the background. When his dirty clothes arent piled up in our closet.

I think about the year apart. Cooking alone. Sleeping alone. Living alone. But lately, I've been thinking past that. I've been thinking about what will happen when he returns. Will things be the same? Will he be the same? Will I be the same? Will we do some of the same things, like cuddle on the couch? Will he touch me the same way? Will he look at me the same way? When I ask Joe, I get the best response: "I'll still be me." But I've been around long enough and have done my research on PTSD and other issues returning soldiers can have to know the answers to these questions (A blessing and a curse to have a psychology background in this case). Joe can pretend all he wants, but he's never been in a war before. He's never had to aim at another person. He's never had to take a life. It changes people. And it should! That's a very profound moment in someone's life. How you react to that action defines who you are as a person, who you are as a soldier. Joe knows me well enough to know what to say to me. He describes his job and how *safe* he will be. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around this one, but we'll see. He even got his spare gas mask out and showed me how it works. It was a cute little memory I will hold on to.

So here I am .. 26 years old. Living in Colorado. Preparing to live on my own for a year. With a loyal dog. And a loving husband. Looking for a good job. Dreaming of grad school. Thinking about myself at 20. You really never know what's just around the corner.


Candace & Eddy said...

I read your blog and felt like we have a bit in common especially with deployment. My fiance' is currently in Afghanistan and doesn't come home until October 2010. He is also stationed in Germany until August 2011. When I met him, two years ago in March I never thought I would be engaged or marrying a Lieutenant in the Army. Nor did I even consider myself moving to Germany to be with him the last 6-8 months he will be stationed there and then moving with him to his next duty station. I'm a small town girl who never traveled much and always loved country boys. Now look at me, I'm 23. Got engaged in Venice, Italy. I have been to London, Paris, Venice and Germany (3 times). And my fiance' is a Yankee!

You never know where life will take you. Just embrace every minute of it and be thankful to have found the man you love so early on in life. Look at that year that you are apart and be thankful for all the years that you will be together. That's what I have to do to get through this deployment.
Good luck with everything.

Anonymous said...

Life is funny that way. No way in heck three years ago would I think that I would be married to a Sailor, moving to Washington, gone through one deployment and about to do another (though ours aren't as long, but the are ALL. THE. TIME) and about to move three dogs and two cats more than 2300 miles by car.

HellcatBetty said...

Hubs and I were friends for about 8 years before dating and I once told him I would never fall for him because I refused to date a soldier. HAH! I think he won that battle. I've often wondered how the heck I ended up where am as well, but through all the ups and downs (and yes, even deployments) I wouldn't trade any of it for the world.

I know it sounds like marriage treason right now, but try to start thinking about the good parts of his deployment - because there are some. Think about things you have always wanted to do but didn't have time for and make a list. Make goals for yourself, do things for YOU during this year.

As for changing, yes he will. It won't be the same when he comes back. But he will be ok. And so will you.

Believe me, I'm not saying deployments are easy, but if you don't start thinking about some potential positives, you'll drive yourself batty! And as always, we're here to pick up the pieces when you fall apart :)

Expat Girl said...

Hey I just found your blog and I love this post. I too had nooooo idea what life was going to bring me- but I think that is the fun part about it. Yes life has its downs but you have to focuse on the ups. Believe me if someone told me I was going to marry an American soldier and end up going through my first pregnancy alone I would have laughed and yes I want to cry sometimes and the lonely nights are hard, we are all so young and have so much to look forward to that we need to focus on the future and get through the present being strong for each other, for our husbands and for our fellow army wives

Julie the Army Wife said...

"I know it sounds like marriage treason right now, but try to start thinking about the good parts of his deployment - because there are some. Think about things you have always wanted to do but didn't have time for and make a list. Make goals for yourself, do things for YOU during this year."

This is such good advice!

From what I know of you I think you will be fine through this deployment! It will be hard and I am sure both of you will change a little but it doesn't have to be a horrible thing.

If someone would have told me I would be raising my children in Germany and have a husband away so much I would have laughed in their face. Life takes you where you never thought you would end up :)

Sara said...

Thank you all for sharing your experiences and advice. I'm not sure we ever "plan" on falling in love with a soldier (unless you do... and I've already blogged about that..hehe) and I know I never thought about it changing my life this much. But I would never change it for the world. I cant imagine ever loving anyone any more than I love my husband. And a year without him is going to be rough, but yeah... I've already started thinking about the "good" things. I didnt want to say anything, I thought it sounded like I was almost happy about his leaving. I'm glad you said it for meHellcat Betty!! I have a list. Sushi - Joe HATES it. Not being woken up at 4:30 every morning because of PT! Not having to worry about feeding him for lunch or planning dinner around his unpredictable work schedule.

When Joe was in Germany for 2 years, I had my phone attatched to my hip, it was ridiculus. I'm not looking forward to doing that again. But I know I will.

And thank you all for your support for this upcoming deployment. I have made some AWESOME friends through Twitter. You ladies ROCK! I'm so happy I have you and your experience to lean on.

The Army Wife said...

I'm late on this! Sorry! But I just wanted to put my two cents in. My husband and I have been through two deployments together (one 15 months, one 12 months) and each one was completely different.

I think the first one is the hardest, because you don't know what to expect. You WANT things to be the same, and you want things to return to some sort of normal when you get back. But, the truth is, is that it won't be exactly the same. I hope that doesn't sound harsh, but you will change, he will change, even if it's just a little -- but you won't be changing together.

HellCatBetty is right, though. Focus on the positive. Think of all the things you can accomplish. Set personal goals for yourself. Because if you sit there pineing away for him every single day (not to say that you won't miss him!!!) it will make for a very long deployent. You sort of have to say "ok ... he's gone. This sucks. I'll cry about it for a couple of days. But then I need to take care of myself."

You can do it. Worrying is normal. But remember you still have a life to live, even if he's temporarily unavailable for it. :)

kanishk said...

. Life takes you where you never thought you would end up

Work from home India

ABW said...

Hopefully the deployment goes fast. When will he leave? (You can email that if you want so you don't have to post it!)

Do you run or do triathlons? I'm looking for a new training partner! Let me know!

marcelia said...

Hi ..I am in the same boat... Is anybody could tell me what changes happen to a soldier??? my husband has been deployed several times and he turned into a cold man, he dont really care about me, he prefers watch tv or play video games than spend time or talk to me .... he hates people...he wants to leave me pregnant before his deployment... he is wird ... the only thing he loves is USA ... his facebook is all about USA, everyday he writes thinhs about USA... he never put a pictures of us there ... and he never facebook me ... is your husband like that??? let me know.. i need some help...