3-Year Blogiversary!!!

I've been writing on this blog since June 29, 2009. I was living in Kansas, Joe was stationed at Fort Riley.

This really is bittersweet for me. The more I sit here and think about ending this blog, the sadder I get.

What are you talking about Sara?

Well, this time next year, 2013, I will no longer be an Army wife. As much as that THRILLS me to no end, the time I was an Army wife was quite an experience. I just don't want to do it anymore, mostly for Joe's sake. When I married him 5 years ago, we both thought he was a lifer. I signed up for 18+ more years of deployments, PCSs, training schedules, stupid Soldiers, stupid leadership -- LOL, all of it. But when Joe was in Iraq, his attitudes changed. I'm not going to go into his reasons, but he didn't want to be a lifer anymore. We would finish his current contract and then be done. So I went back to school. And we have a wonderful plan.

But there is so much the Army has exposed me to. I know more about the military than I ever wanted to. I know more about what Soldiers and families go through. And I will never forget that or take it for granted as most civilians do. I have been able to live in two beautiful places. And make WONDERFUL friends along the way. To think I would never have met Mandy and Tammy is just unbelieveable. I have learned more about myself, about how to be a strong woman, standing behind her husband when needed, but being able to step forward when needed.

I will treasure these experiences.



I started writing this post on Friday, June 22nd, before the big wildfire that developed near my town. The initial plan for the blogiversary was to offer a giveaway of three giftcards to three different winners. I've decided not to do that now. I'm going to take the money I was going to giveaway and donate it to the  local Red Cross and the local Humane Society. The Red Cross here has worked so quickly and so hard to set up shelters for the evacuated citizens and supplying them with meals. But also, it's greatly touched me how much the town has done for the furry citizens of our town. These groups need to be recognized as well. So I am sorry to disappoint everyone who was expecting a giveaway, as most bloggers do for their blogiversary, but I think the money could be better spent on this community and the people who never stop helping those in need.

If you want to help this great state, there are a few links you can visit to donate:

• The Colorado State Emergency Management has listed some way you can help: http://helpcoloradonow.com/
• Colorado Red Cross: www.coloradoredcross.org
• The Colorado Humane Society & SPCA: http://coloradohumane.org/

Thank you in advance to anyone who does donate their time or money.

InspiriBody Giveaway!!!

Hey everyone!!

I cannot even begin to tell you how excited I am for this GIVEAWAY!! InspiriBody is the creator of some AMAZING bath and body products! She has an Etsy shop where you can grab some of her beautiful products. I am so happy to be able to share this with you all!

So I have bought quite a few of her products. I am absolutely in love with her honeysuckle soap and lotion. It smells like my childhood. I can sit in my bathroom and sniff my hand soap. How many of you can say that about your soap?

Her lotion is smooth and silky, without being greasy. And I can smell like honeysuckle all day long!

I have also tried her bath scrubs. They are amazing as a pre-shave sugar scrub, for your legs of course. I had never tried a scrub before I shaved, but holy cow, can I tell a difference! Plus the sugar scrub smells like cake, do I need to say more? She calls it Vanilla Frosting, but I say cake. :-)

And her champagne and strawberry soap would be an amazing gift for just about anyone I can think of - friends, family, birthdays, anniversaries. It smells so good! And it's just beautiful.

I have ordered a few other things... but they are gifts for friends and Mother's Day, so I'm not going to mention them just in case they are reading the blog. But trust me, they are awesome too!

And there are so many other things I am so excited to try. But you... lucky reader... get to enter to win a $20 gift certificate to her shop!! Do you even know how lucky you are?!?! There are a few easy ways to enter to win!

Mandatory:
Check out the InspiriBody Esty Shop and leave a comment on THIS blog with at least one thing you would like to try if you won. Also leave an email address so I can contact the winner AND InspiriBody can convo with you about how you want to spend your $20! If you arent comfortable with leaving your email address on the blog, you can email it to me at willow162001@yahoo.com. I will keep it safe and out of public view.

Extra entries (one each):

Like the InspiriBody Facebook page then leave a comment on THIS blog saying you did.

Follow @InspiriBody on Twitter. Leave a comment on THIS blog saying you did.

Tweet about this Giveaway. Leave a comment on THIS blog saying you did. (One tweet entry per day)    "I entered the @InspiriBody gift certificate giveaway! @sara0120 http://bit.ly/KwNUIo"

This giveaway starts NOW and will run until midnight on May 13th. I will chose a winner using Random.org on Monday, May 14th and notify them.

GOOD LUCK!!

Disclosure: I am recieving a product from InspiriBody for hosting this giveaway.

579 Days

I was complaining to a co-worker today about how much Joe hates the Army and how much we are looking forward to him getting out and going to school. This particular co-worker is 48 years old and retired from the Army as an E7, SFC. He said that most people don't think civilian life is easy after being in the Army. And then another co-worker asked me if I was scared for Joe to get out and be a "civilian" again.

Scared?

SCARED???

What is there to be scared of?? I cannot wait to be through with this crap. I hate that my husband is unhappy. I don't care what our "benefits" are, they aren't as important as my husband's happiness and safety. This life isn't normal. Most people pay for their own rent, insurances, medicine, doctor's appointments. No matter how awesome Tricare is, it's not worth Joe deploying again. It's just not.

Joe is going to go to school when he gets out. I will have a real job and supporting us while he decides what he wants to do outside of the Army. No PT. No worthless chain of command making policy for 100 people without a second thought. No two-month long schools or training. No stupid Soldiers calling us all the damn time. No deployments. NO DEPLOYMENTS. No bunkers or raids or having a marraige over Skype. How is this harder than the Army? Someone tell me because I would really like to know.

I've been married to Joe for 4 years. Before that, I was just a regular person. Paying rent. All my insurances. Paying for prescriptions. And not worrying about my husband going to war.

I'd like to get back to that please.

Community Service vs. Military Ball

So you've probably heard me complain about the military ball being held on a WEDNESDAY night this year. I totally understand that most people in the military don't have a life and can make it to a ball on a WEDNESDAY night. I, for one, am not. I have class that night. A graduate class. I'm not missing my class for a damn party. I decided that a while ago.

So now Joe has to decide what he's going to do. The punishment for not going to the ball on a WEDNESDAY night? Community service!! Rumor has it's at a nursing home, as in changing bed pans. Like my husband doesn't have a REAL job!??! He's a fucking sergeant in the US Army and because he's an adult and doesn't want to go to a stupid ball on a WEDNESDAY night that his wife cant attend, he has to change bed pans???? Are you FUCKING kidding me??? So we're looking at all his options, buying a ticket and not going. Buying a ticket and showing his face for 15 minutes. We're going to see if he can not go and NOT change bed pans. He's an adult and shouldn't be punished for not going to an after school program. ((((It looks like he has given in and will be buying a ticket ($30, the price is gradually increased by rank) and he will have to pay to get his class As tailored too. But he still isnt happy about it. And I'm still super annoyed, as you can tell.))))

Sooo.. the point that gets me is that NONE of the ticket costs are going to a charitable cause. If the punishment is community service and they seem to care A LOT about this community service, shouldn't some of the proceeds go to a good cause??

On a related note, we have 683 days until my husband is a civilian again. Now do you see why I'm so excited about his ETS? He isn't treated like an adult. He's 27 years old. He's a glorified babysitter and is punished for missing a fucking party?? I have much bigger plans for my husband. He's far to smart to be a peon in the damn Army.

Disclaimer: I would LOVE to hear your thoughts. Offended? I really don't care. You can comment about how offended you are about my tone and how not everyone experiences the Army like this. Go for it. But please be a real person and not an anonymous gutless weasel.

<---- Not cut out for this Army BS

BuildASign goodies!!

A few weeks ago, Megan from Build-a-Sign.com contacted me about a product review. :) As a milspouse, certainly you know that they create the huge welcome home signs you see at homecomings. But did you know they make just about everything else too??

I was able to pick out a few things and personalize them. And you KNOW I love personalized stuff!! I picked out a window cling, a 4x4 bumper sticker, and a street sign for Joe.

This is the window cling I made. I've always loved the dog on board signs, but I wanted something more personalized. And you all know how much I LOVE my Rigel! It sticks on the inside so no one can steal it, because you know everyone wants a window cling that says Rigel in it. :)

This is the sticker I made for my blog! I love it!! I was able to personalize everything about it, down to the little squiggle. This one I slapped on some magnet backing and stuck it on my car.

A closer shot so you could see the website :)

I made a street sign for Joe. We joke that his game room is just a man cave. And it came in the mail super fast and was here the day before he came home from Iraq. When he went to dump his bags in his man cave he saw the street sign right away. He loved it!

Personalizing everything was amazingly easy. The window cling was originally VERY large, the size that would fit on the back of a whole back car window, but after personalizing it, you can look at all the materials and sizes they have to offer. Now it's 3x5. And the puppy paw is straight from their vast collection of included clip art. And the stickers are just what I was looking for! What a great way to promote a blog!! And Megan also made a html link for the side of my blog linking my blog to the stickers. Joe's street sign couldn't be more perfect. And it was super easy too. Everything shipped very quickly. For personalized products, I'm used to waiting for a few weeks. But not with BuildASign! I had everything within the week I ordered it. I was very impressed! Now that I know what they have to offer, I will definetly using their website more often. I wish I had known this before my wedding, you can make some awesomely creative personalized wedding favors!

And in full disclosure, I was given 1 window cling, 15 bumper stickers, and 1 street sign from BuildASign for an honest review of their products and website. Thanks Megan and BuildASign!!!!

Season 5

When Army Wives started 5 years ago, I wasn't an Army wife. Joe had just proposed to me. I was living in Arkansas. I watched the first season with my mom, laying on a bed in her spare bedroom. I had no idea what I was in for. I just wanted to be married to Joe.

And 5 years later? I've been married to Joe for 3 1/2 years. We've lived in 2 different duty stations. We're wrapping up our first deployment. And I totally said out loud last night, "He doesn't have a name tape on his patrol cap!" And I started laughing at myself.

5 years ago, I knew nothing. Name tape? Patrol cap? LOL! Now I know far more than I ever wanted to know.

I hope everyone enjoyed the season premier. I love that show!!

1st Amendment

I have to say something. It's probably going to piss a lot of you off. But this is my blog. And I can say what I want, because of the 1st amendment. You can read it or not, up to you.

It's about the ruling upholding the 1st amendment. And also allowing the monstrosity that is Westboro Baptist Church to protest military funerals. While I think what they are doing is the absolute cruelest thing they could possibly do to a military family while they are grieving the loss of their loved one, what they are doing isn't illegal. It's disgusting and a compete travesty. But not against the laws of this country. And I can honestly say, I'm fairly content with the 1st amendment being upheld yesterday.

A quote from the Huffington Post: "The ruling, though, was in line with many earlier court decisions that said the First Amendment exists to protect robust debate on public issues and free expression, no matter how distasteful."

If the government was allowed to stop these people from protesting, it would create the groundwork for the government to make all protests illegal. And that I cant stand for. Many believe that our service members are fighting for our rights anyway, and in a sick turn of events, these people are exploiting their battle. They have the right to protest because of the wars we waged to claim those rights.

Many people I know start talking about hurting or killing the members of the Westboro Baptist Church. Well, that IS illegal. And as mad as I would be at that kind of demonstration at a funeral of my loved one, I would never do anything illegal towards them. What would that prove? So my thought? The media needs to completely boycott ANYTHING dealing with them. No pictures, no articles, no news story at nine. They need to be completely ignored. Perhaps we give them power by talking about them.

OR we need to throw it back in their faces. I would round up all the people I could and call the media, and go stand in front of the church members and allow the media to film these animals chanting that filth to the military family left behind and all the people that loved that particular person. We wouldn't talk. We wouldn't fight. We wouldn't cry. We would just stand there. And let Westboro Baptist Church have their minute in the spotlight, telling the children of a fallen service member that their father died because of a gay person in America. Because my children would know they are a bunch of lunatics. And dad was a great man, who fought for the rights of our country, even when they are exploited by sick fucks such as the members of the Westboro Baptist Church. Just so others could see that they don't mean shit to us, protest, whatever. It doesn't diminish the fight of our Soldiers. It doesn't mean that homosexuality is evil. It just means that there happens to be **another** group of religious nut jobs screaming at the top of their lungs. Tomorrow there will be a different one. They never go away.

Although, I was so excited about that computer hacker group trying to get into their system, but I don't know if it was actually true or just a publicity stunt. I wish someone would get to them from the inside out and collapse the whole thing. But we have to do it legally, or they have won.

While I'm obviously not thrilled what they are doing to our military families, I think the government did us a great service yesterday by upholding the amendment. I saw on Twitter where a wife asked if any one actually liked the ruling. I needed to write this post in response to those kinds of people. I wish these sickos would stop. I wish there was something we could do to stop them, but squashing freedom of speech CERTAINLY isn't the right way to do that.

Army wives, Civilians, or both??

Something happened to me at work the other day that has stayed with me. I work on an Army post with Soldiers. We have one clipboard where all of the Soldiers need to sign in. Then we have a clipboard for civilians, which of course in the context of my job are usually spouses, a few teenages, and contractors on post. So when someone comes in normal clothes and doesn't look like an active duty service member, I ask them if they are active duty or civilian. And most people know the answer to this question.

But some... don't. Like the young lady I had in the room the other day.

Me: Are you active duty or civilian?

Her: My husband is active duty.

Me: But you aren't?

Her: No.

Me: Then can you please sign in on this civilian clipboard?

Her: But I'm not a civilian. My husband is a Soldier.

Me: Yes ma'am. But you aren't, correct?

Her: Whatever.

Really? You're going to cop an attitude because you have to sign a different clipboard? Unless you get up and put on a uniform everyday, YOU are a civilian, I dont care who you are married to. You dont go to the field. You dont deploy. You dont do PT every morning, even in the snow.

I think many of us "Army wives" have lost sight of this fact. Not even including wearing your husband's rank, we feel like we are not civilians. Even I have said, "I cant wait until the day that we can be civilians again." That day is about 720 days away actually. But I mean it in as a state of mind, no more chain of command, no more deployments, no more PCSing, no more strange worry about mortar attacks in Iraq. But I tell Soldiers everyday that I am a civilian. "No sir, I have no idea what that training is, I'm a civilian." I will never assume anything else, I am a civilian, because I'm certainly not active duty. I would never, could never, compare myself to a Soldier. I could never train like they do. I could never make it through BCT. I could NEVER deploy.

So if those are your choices, active duty or civilian, what would you pick?

My father is an Army brat, since the day he was born. His father was in the Army for 20 years. He used to say that he was in the Army. It's more of a joke, since he's far too old to say he was an Army brat. And his father used to give him the small metals for doing things, like shinning his black boots. My father even told my husband that he had a AAM for shinning boots. My grandmother says that she was in the Army too. She met her husband in Germany when he was stationed there and then started the Army journey for 20 years, dealing with multiple deployments to Vietnam and 17 PCSs in 20 years - no joke! They were stationed at Fort Riley (where we were for 2 years) for exactly 9 days. My dad and his brother went out to look for a lawn mower to borrow and come home to new PCS orders. And my grandmother will adamantly argue that she too was in the Army, and I just nod and smile. Maybe if I was an Army wife in the 60s, I would feel differently.

What we do isn't normal, I have said that for a year now. We are very unique. We live and breath Army life. We learn the lingo so we can understand our husbands. We move at the drop of a hat. We can make any house a home with just a few pictures and a Scentsy warmer. We sleep alone. And take our phones to the bathroom so we don't miss a call. We know to check the arms of uniforms for pens before washing them. This is our way of life. And perhaps we are kinda special. But we certainly aren't Soldiers.

38 Weeks!

Day 267

So we got some GREAT news this week! We have a redeployment window!!! I have a "I will be home by XXX." But as any experienced Army wife knows, that date can ALWAYS change, but it's nice to have some date to look forward to. And it's nice to see them think about coming home.

And I had my last Child and Adolescent Development class yesterday. I totally have an A in the class! My next term starts in January, so the holiday break will be nice. I need to work on a cross stitch project anyway. Hopefully I can finish it over the holiday.

I am loving my Advent Calendar. My mom is just too sweet! So far I have gotten lots of chocolate, some candy, a glove and hat set, a little money, the cutest JOY holiday earrings, and some really cool hair ties. Rigel got 4 Rigel-sized tennis balls and his favorite treats! He loves them.

I have a couple holiday parties coming up. I've never been a super social person. In fact, I prefer to be alone anyway (Joe and Rigel dont count, they are family). But I am basically forcing myself to go to these parties because I think I should be around other people during the holidays. Why? I honestly dont know. The best I can come up with is... well.. peer pressure. "Oh no Sara, will you be alone this Christmas?" "I'm so sorry your husband is deployed, is being alone during the holidays the hardest part?" But it's really okay with me, being alone is okay. It's just a part of life. We all knew we would be alone for some major things, birthdays, anniversarys, and yes, OMG, Christmas too. Sometimes it seems like this has just dawned on people and they cant hold the sympathy back. I was invited to my PROFESSOR'S house last night. Really folks. Really. So this Christmas I will spend some of it with a good friend going through the same thing, and then the rest of the evening talking to my love online, which is where I want to be anyway, at home, in my pajamas, snuggling with Rigel, talking to Joe. And some people think that's depressing and that means I'm depressed, well, I got news for you people, I'm not depressed. Christmas will be an awesome day in this household. It marks another month closer to Joe being home. And I'm always down for that. And depression has many faces. But snuggling with my pup can never be depressing. And quite frankly, I dont really care about Christmas as much as some other special occassions, like our birthdays and our anniversary. Our anniversary was much harder than this Christmas will be.

I just wanted to put that out there for everyone. Dont pity the Army wife. Ask her if she has plans, or wants plans, on that special day, and then drop it. She's strong. She has to be. She's an Army wife. I spent last Christmas in a motel room. LOL. I've had one normal Christmas since I got engaged to that man. This is my normal.

8 MONTHS DOWN!! (35 Weeks)

DAY 246

8 MONTHS DOWN!!! WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

I just cant believe we've made it this far!! This is a VERY good day! Woot Woot!! I went to the movies with a friend last weekend and had to supress my squeals when each preview said it would be out. "Joe will be home when that movie comes out!" "Too bad I Joe wont go to that girly movie with me, but he will be home then!" But I had to supress my joy because the girl I was with just sent her husband to yet another deployment. And I have been there. No need to rub it in her face. I was there, with my husband at my side 9 months ago, watching the previews in agony knowing Joe wouldnt be here for so many months. I know how awful those dates look plastered across that huge screen.

I wanna give a quick shout out to my new readers. 130. Not too shabby. I never imagined anyone but my friend Lucy would read anything I wrote here. Thank you for all of the amazing comments. This has become a very large coping mechanism for me. The week count ups keep me going. And I so appriciate your comments, every single one of them.

And I want to thank everyone that ordered from my Scentsy party. It was a HUGE hit!! I hope you all enjoy your Scentsy as much as I do! And just for the heck of it, I'm gonna link Patty/Mommytaco's Scentsy page HERE again. I dont have a party open, but she is an amazing consultant and you should check her page out. If you are new to Scentsy and want to add to your stash, I suggest you host a party with her.

Joe and I are making plans, not just for redeployment, but for our future. I LOVE making plans with this man. We *might* even have a house lined up when he ETSs. It's just about too good to be true, so I'm not betting on it working out. But oh my goodness, it would be AWESOME!! So we are really concentrating on our future, and that involves saving all our pennies. The only real debt we have is Joe's car. And we just made a huge payment on that. I am so excited to see the number get smaller and smaller. Neither of us have credit cards, something my mother warned me about since I was an adolescent. Credit cards are tricky things. And I know I am not fantastic with money so I just dont have one. If we want something, we save up for it and then go buy it. So when we needed another car, and neither of us had any credit we needed co-signers. So looking down the road at a house and a family, we are saving for a massive down payment so we can have a bright future. And then graduate school comes into the picture. I need a masters. And that requires money. So we are doing our best to pay it off on a kinda crazy payment plan. Thankfully the school is very flexable with their payment plans. So fingers crossed, I can get out of school without any debt.

And Joe has sworn off tobacco products forever. When he told me this the other night I wanted to cry. My family has a very sad history of loosing our men too young to self-inflicted cancers. My father was only 26 when he buried his father. I am 26 years old. And the idea of loosing my father is unimaginable. So when I think about having kids with a man that occasionally smokes, I think about my father and his dad. And my mother's grandpa. And my mother's father. It's not a great family history. But it's preventable!! And I will be as supportive as possible to help my husband be stronger than the addiction of tobacco. He smoked a lot when we were younger. I always told him I wouldn't marry a smoker, and for the most part, he quit. It's a VERY expensive habit, and we didn't want to have to budget for that habit. But I knew he smoked at work. And I was SO afraid he would start back up while he was deployed. EVERYONE told me their husbands smoked downrange. I never said anything to Joe about his smoking in Iraq. If he needed to do it to relieve stress/fit in/be one of the guys/etc, I wasn't going to give him a guilt trip about it. But after a conversation about his biological family history, he volunteered that he wanted to be healthier so he didn't die before he was 50. AND that he hadn't smoked anything in over a month! I was so proud and impressed. After R&R, he went back to Iraq on a mission, a PT mission. He hadn't done PT since he deployed and there was a PT test coming up soon. And he knows he does much better when he's not smoking. Lung capacity is a big deal!

And we want to be healthier. I need to have a baby ready body very soon. We want to raise our kids in a healthier manner. So we need to get healthy too.

Okay, I'm gonna say something that *may* offend some people. I am sorry. But it has to be said. As many know, I work at the Education Center. And at least once a day a spouse comes in our office looking for financial aid. And I tell them about MyCAA if it applies now and the FAFSA and transferring your Soldier's GI Bill. Many ask about tuition assistance for spouses. Nope. Only for Active Duty service members. But then I apologize that there isn't much else out there. And many smile and nod and walk out. But some get angry. "That's it?" they will say. Yep, that's it. So it got me thinking. If there was money out there, I would most definitely use it. I'm not going to snub my nose up at any assistance for school. But do I feel entitled to money for school just because my husband is in the Army? Of course not. I know we all, as spouses, sacrifice a lot for our husband's career. And we get some good perks, that I too enjoy. But to come to a Education Center and demand money for something your husband does seems inappropriate to me. I am putting myself through a Masters program right now. I have a job. I work. I go to class. There isn't any military funded money out there for a person like me. So instead of complaining to some woman behind a desk, I work. And I go to school. And I save my pennies so I can afford my Masters. Want tuition assistance? Want a GI Bill? Want to feel entitled to military funded college money? Join the fucking ARMY!! So please, think before you speak. That is all.

From the book I'm currently reading, Eat Pray Love: "People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

Day 5

I have a journal for all the mushy stuff. I've journaled since I was 17 and in college. I love to look back and read them. This journal is a completely different color so I know it's for the year of the deployment.

But I want to make sure I blog a little too. I'm still getting used to sharing my emotions with strangers. Yeah, there are a few of you that don't feel like strangers anymore. But I don't know many of you. And I know some people follow this blog because I am an Army wife, so I want to stay true to that and share that experience.

Today is day 5. Today I am thankful for Rigel.

It's been a pretty okay day so far. I had an easy morning and then went to lunch with some friends and their kids. I love that kids are such a great distraction from my own thoughts. I think they are funny and creative. I love to just listen to them talk to their siblings.

The nights haven't been as bad as I thought they would be. I've been so tired by the time I hit the bed, I usually just pass out.

I haven't heard from Joe today, but he warned me that he might not have time to call. Training started today. But I've been very lucky to talk to him as much as I have. He called me once in Germany in route, and then three times since he's been at his current spot.

While Joe was here, I used to think about what it would feel like to be here alone. He would be in his game room. And I would be in the living room. And I would pretend I was alone. As hard as I ever tried to think about it, there is no comparison. There is no comparison to actually being alone in the house.

You really never know what's just around the corner.

How did I get here? I've been asking myself that a lot lately. Not that I regret any of it. But it seems like all of a sudden, in a blink of an eye, I'm 26, married to a soldier, living in Colorado, talking about a deployment. Its just ridiculous to think about. I've loved Joe since I was 18 years old. But when we were in college together, there was NO way I would have ever thought we would be living in Colorado. I never would have thought he would be a soldier.

Do you think things happen for a reason? Do you think you have certain experiences so you can be prepared for something at a later date?

Joe said that he doesn't worry about me living alone. I'm not one of those girls that went from my daddy's house to my hubby's house. I lived alone while I was in college. Its not all that bad. Joe said he worries about me missing him. I guess that's a normal worry. The man I love is going to a war zone for a year. I'll miss him with ever fiber of my being. It will be hard to live without him. But I assume I will get used to it. Which I think will be even harder to live with.

"We've gotten lucky I haven't deployed yet. This has been borrowed time. My year deployed will be fine. And I will come back fine. And then you too will be a seasoned Army wife and know how to deal with a deployment. Sara, its not TWO YEARS in Germany. Dont think about me leaving, think about me coming home."

Even now I go through the motions of living in this house and wonder what it will feel like when he's gone. When his tan boots aren't by the door. When the video game peeps aren't in the background. When his dirty clothes arent piled up in our closet.

I think about the year apart. Cooking alone. Sleeping alone. Living alone. But lately, I've been thinking past that. I've been thinking about what will happen when he returns. Will things be the same? Will he be the same? Will I be the same? Will we do some of the same things, like cuddle on the couch? Will he touch me the same way? Will he look at me the same way? When I ask Joe, I get the best response: "I'll still be me." But I've been around long enough and have done my research on PTSD and other issues returning soldiers can have to know the answers to these questions (A blessing and a curse to have a psychology background in this case). Joe can pretend all he wants, but he's never been in a war before. He's never had to aim at another person. He's never had to take a life. It changes people. And it should! That's a very profound moment in someone's life. How you react to that action defines who you are as a person, who you are as a soldier. Joe knows me well enough to know what to say to me. He describes his job and how *safe* he will be. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around this one, but we'll see. He even got his spare gas mask out and showed me how it works. It was a cute little memory I will hold on to.

So here I am .. 26 years old. Living in Colorado. Preparing to live on my own for a year. With a loyal dog. And a loving husband. Looking for a good job. Dreaming of grad school. Thinking about myself at 20. You really never know what's just around the corner.

Army wife guilt?

Is this a normal thing?

Do you feel guilty?

That you get to stay home.

That you arent in danger.

That you arent miles from your home.

That you get to sleep in your bed.

That you arent at war.

Too many previews

I had a great day with Joe yesterday. He took me to see The Lovely Bones, a fairly sappy movie. But he knew how much I wanted to see it and he sat through it like a champ. Then we went to The Macaroni Grill with our friend Ed and his wife. During dinner we all decided to go see The Book of Eli. While watching the previews before The Book of Eli, a preview came on that opens the DAY Joe is supposed to deploy. He gives me this look. "I wanted to see that movie." And it hit me all at once. I'm going to be here, in Colorado, while Joe is flying to Iraq. Isnt this just a surreal thought? Why on Earth do we sign up for this? I was watching previews for movies that I will be able to watch in the following year... without Joe. Most people dont have to have this thought. I've been an Army wife for almost 3 years now, and I've never had this thought before. We've had too many deployment "scares" to even count, but this time is so different. He's leaving. It's a fact. And I have to figure out a way to deal with this and deal with a life alone for a year without my husband.

I think I had a rough idea of what I would think, what I would feel. I used to imagine what it would be like to watch Joe leave one day and not come home for 12 months. I think all Army wives try to imagine what it will be like. But this isnt pretend anymore. Watching those previews yesterday just kinda brought it all home for me.


But there will come a time, not so long from now, where I will watch a preview before a really sappy girlie movie and think to myself, 'by the time that comes out, my husband will be home.'

How to practice OPSEC

Ehow.com has instructions on how to practice OPSEC. I think this is both useful and hilarious. Obviously useful, but funny in the sense that instructions for OPSEC are literally everywhere and people still don't know what they're doing. So this isn't for anyone in particular, just a reminder for me and my family since Joe is deploying soon.


http://www.ehow.com/how_2195820_practice-opsec.html?ref=fuel&utm_source=yahoo&utm_medium=ssp&utm_campaign=yssp_art

Instructions
Step 1
Learn who should practice OPSEC. Military members, their husbands or wives, their children, their parents and extended family members and their friends should learn to not give out information in venues that can be easily accessed by just about anyone. They have a responsibility to protect the information they have access to from falling into the wrong hands.

Step 2
Understand what information is considered sensitive and even critical to the military. Information about the exact location of soldiers, troop movement (deployments, returns, TDYs and R&R included) and dates, times and time frames should never be disclosed. Information about weapon systems, training and numbers are also sensitive pieces of information. Missions, exercises and changes in duty hours at specific bases are also to be considered sensitive information that can be put together to give a better picture of what may be taking place or soon to be taking place. (Sara Tip: If you don't know if it's sensitive material, just say no! Don't let anything slip. "Loose Lips Sink Ships!)

Step 3
Know that just because it appeared on the news does not make it okay to talk about it. This will only verify the information. So what, it appears on the base website. Military-run sites are highly monitored. In other words, they know who frequents the sites, but OPSEC must still be practiced regardless of where the information appears.

Step 4
Keep sensitive information out of websites, journal posts, message boards and any other online forum and venue. We are taught not to put out too much information about ourselves on the Internet because of the personal dangers this can present, so why would anyone think it was okay to put down specific information regarding times, dates, time frames, locations and more that would allow people they do not know to view the information and do whatever they wanted with it? That puts our troops in more danger. (Sara Tip: Most underestimate the power of our new "enemies." They are not living in caves and mud huts. This is 2010. They have more technology and access to the internet than someone in rural Arkansas with dial-up.)

Step 5
Stop using decorative tickers on websites and in online venues. Many family members of deployed military have taken to using countdown tickers that give out specific information as to when the troop will return or a time frame, which breeches OPSEC. For those that really feel the need to broadcast this type of information, it would be better to have a ticker that indicates the amount of time their soldier has been gone, although it would be better to refrain from this completely. (Sara Tip: No one says you cant have one, just don't broadcast it. I fully intend on having a calendar in my own home so I know the number of days we have left. But no one else has to know that number)

Step 6
Refrain from sending sensitive information via emails and instant messages. We are well aware that emails and instant messages are not secure venues and information sent can wind up in the wrong hands.

Step 7
Never advertise specific information about a soldier. This would include not putting out information regarding the soldier's name, rank and unit. In photos, learn to black out the soldiers name tape and rank.

Step 8
Practice OPSEC when using telephones and cellphones. It may sound funny, but you never know who can be listening, right?

Step 9
Do not discuss sensitive information out in public venues. Think about it, you and a friend are on line at the supermarket and talking about a son’s upcoming deployment and the person standing behind you overhears. You just put sensitive information out there which can potentially compromise a mission and create danger for our troops. Learn to think before you speak and refrain from sensitive information conversations in public. (Sara Tip: Of course we Army wives need to vent and gripe. But do it in private. Find someone you trust; family, close friends, fellow Army wives; and be battle buddies! Vent to each other, find comfort in their experience and support. Your military family can be very helpful and healthy in these difficult times. They understand more about your situation than most.)

So as many of you know, this is our first deployment. I'm trying to cover everything, but if any of you have any tips or suggestions, please feel free to share!

Wife vs. Army Wife?

I have read some stuff lately that has really bothered me. And since I have all this time on my hands, I've had time to think about it. I struggle with the label "army wife" on a personal level anyway. But when these young army wives and girlfriends use the term to define themselves, it really makes me wonder about them as individual people. I know many people just use the term as what it simply means, you are married to an army soldier. It doesn't define you. Its not a special club. Its not a cookie cutter mold of who you're supposed to be. And when said to another "army wife" it says it all.

My problem with the term is not only the generalizations that can be made, but the fact that many young women want to use it as a special buzz word, like a secret hand shake for some club. I read something the other day... "I am many things... But most importantly, I am the Girlfriend of a United States Soldier." Well, let me tell you something my friends, I am many things, but "army wife" isn't at the top of my list.

I'm an individual.
I'm a strong independent women.
I'm a wife.
I'm a daughter.
I'm a sister.
I'm a niece.
I'm an aunt.
I'm a friend.
I'm a scholar.
I'm an employee.
I'm a co-worker
I'm Rigel's *person*.

The "I'm an army wife" hat doesn't come on until all of those other commitments are taken care of. I love my husband. It honestly doesn't matter to me if he's a soldier or a teacher or a ph.d physicist. I would love him no matter what. I knew Joe long before he ever touched an Army uniform. I'm incredibly proud of the path he's chosen, but his life doesn't define mine. His job may direct our lives, but it doesn't make me who I am. Honestly, his job doesn't even make him who he is. It might dictate his haircut, but not the kind of person he is inside.

I worry about these young women that fight so hard to be "army wives." I never even thought about the term when I was getting married. I wasn't a "future army wife." I was the future Mrs. Sutliff.

So what happens when being an "army girlfriend" doesn't work out? What happens when you get a divorce? I've seen far too many people still saying they are a "former army wife." I honestly just don't get it. Is it the drama? Is it the romance that most think our lives consist of? And of course I've seen far to many young girls chase those ACUs. That confuses me the most. So you're dating him just because he's a soldier? Just because he wears a uniform? Let me tell you, I know LOTS of soldiers. And many of them are just scumbags and losers!! Just because he is sporting the uniform and the haircut doesn't make him a stand-up guy. But that's a whole different blog. My point is, be with the guy because you love him and he loves you, not because you want to get on Twitter and label yourself as an Army wife or girlfriend.

Yes, when in conversation, the term speaks volumes. I can say to another army wife or to an army wife in a generation or two ahead of me (someone like my grandmother), yes, I'm an army wife. And they can imagine the PCS moves and the deployment worries and the shitty FRGs and the lonely nights and even the perks of military life and the amazing friendships we make. But they still know nothing about ME.

And so I struggle with labeling myself that. Even struggled naming my blog that. But I have two blogs. Did you know that? I have another blog just for ME and my non-army wife life. Because I need somewhere to forget about all the stupid Army jargon that's been thrown at me for the last 4 years. I need a place where I can be a daughter and a sister and a dog lover without the weird overtones and connotations of being labeled an Army wife.

I really dont mean to offend anyone. It's just an observation that I've made over the last few months. I want these young women to take value in their lives outside of their husband's career and haircut.

Two $7 camping chairs and a gray Tupperware box

I think that in the end, you start to think about the beginning... especially when it's staring at you straight in the face! We moved to Junction City exactly two years ago today. We had been married for 6 months. But Joe had spent those 6 months in Germany. We drove two cars up from Paris, Arkansas to Kansas. My very first experience with anything on an Army post was temporary housing losing our pet-friendly reservations TWICE. We spent 4 days in the Motel 8 while Joe in-processed and I called EVERY apartment complex in Junction City (all 6 of them). Only two were pet-friendly and only one of those had any apartments/townhouses available. So we took it. We had packed a television, a box of forks, and our clothes. Joe didn't have ANYTHING from Germany (as it took over a month to ship it here). He only had what he could take on the plane with him. We went to Wal-Mart and bought three $7 camping chairs, an air mattress, and food. I didn't pack anything we truly needed. I have no idea what I was thinking! Looking back, I think about myself as a silly little girl thinking we were camping or something. Oddly enough, that was only TWO years ago! It seems like far more than that.

So here we are. December 19th, 2009. All of our belongings have been packed up and taken away. We are left with our $7 camping chairs and that same gray Tupperware box. But this time it's packed with the RIGHT things. And when Joe looked at me last night with his beer in his hand with a sad face because HE forgot to grab his bottle opener, I can smile at him and point to the gray Tupperware box.

I look around and smile. Rigel is laying in the sun. Joe is playing the DS and cursing at the Lego characters. We have boxes of food and piles of dog toys all around us. I ask myself why I signed up to do this EVERY TWO YEARS!

But then I look at my amazing husband and my sweetheart puppy and I realize that I wouldn't want this any other way. It's amazing the things we wives do for our husbands, our soldier husbands. But I've decided that moving isn't on that list. I would follow him anywhere. And I don't even have to pack!

It's Moving Time!

**Wrote this from my Blackberry on Thursday but it didnt post.**

The mover is here. Yeah, that's right, one female mover was sent to pack up a 3 bedroom townhouse. But she's doing as awesome job. Asking about delicate items and making sure she doesn't pack trash (like the shredder I emptied two days ago but the hubs had to shred stuff this morning). Two bedrooms are already done. Joe's game room will be easy. Then just the downstairs. Which is mostly food and dishes. I've talked to her a little bit. I just can't remember her name.

I've scheduled a walkthrough of our place for Monday. And I've made hotel reservations for Tuesday in Colorado Springs. Its all coming together. As long as we can get there before it snows again I will be a happy camper!

Joe has stolen my DS and refuses to give it up. Thereks only been random outbursts of curse words and Army jargon from him. I've been tweeting all day. I'm sure I've pissed someone off with my million tweets. But we are now without television and internet (still on, Joe just packed up his computer) until later on. And I just found out that there's a problem with Blackberrys receiving emails today. Yay! LOL!

Joe needs to go buy bolt cutters. He chained his grill and propane tank to the house, and then promptly lost the combination. I love my husband. LOL! I am currently laughing about it. He is not. He's heading out the door to go get them now.

I cannot believe were moving.

I want to know.

I had a friend in the National Guard in college. He deployed twice. He was at Fallujah and has pictures of him with Saddam Hussein's gold toilet. At a party once, he told me that he had shot and killed people downrange. I wasn't an Army wife then. The military wasn't even a blimp on my radar. We all felt bad for our military, but I had no idea what they really went through. I was a psych major. And one of the only females that hung out in the group. I considered myself very lucky that he felt comfortable enough with me to open up like that. He obviously needed to purge this thought. And the guys always gave him a hard time, telling him that they saw Jarhead, life downrange must be rough. And he played the big strong soldier. But I got to see the other side of him. It was so interesting to me. I tried not to pry. But I wanted him to know that he could tell me anything without me judging him or thinking poorly of him.


The night before I married Joe, I remember looking at him when I thought popped into my head. My husband could kill someone. How did I feel about that? I was so worried about him being killed, it never dawned on me that he might actually take another life. It was so strange to me. I shared the thought with Joe. He just looked at me funny, like I was really late to this party! Obviously, right! He's in the ARMY. What did I think he was going to do downrange? He noticed that the thought was new to me so we had a conversation about it. In my own sort of fuzzy morals, I managed to deal with this thought.


But now the chances of deployment are fairly high. And the thoughts come back to me. I allow myself to compartmentalize so much so I don't have to think about the thoughts of killing and death. When I open these boxes up, the worms just fly out! And my thoughts often return to that young National Guardsman that needed to tell someone what he had done. So I told Joe that I wanted to know if he had killed someone. He just laughs at me. But I have my reasons. I don't want to have to wonder if he's killed someone. But I also don't want him to think he has to hide that side of himself from me. I don't want that tension on our relationship. He already knows that I have fairly fuzzy morals about the world anyway. On a personal level, I'm a serious humanist, knowing that ALL people are equal human beings, no matter their race, gender, religion, or beliefs. We have many conversations about taking a life and why I'm not in the Army. I don't like the idea of being sent somewhere and ordered to kill someone I don't know over stupid political gains, money, or oil. But on the flip side, if someone broke into my house, I would be the first one to shoot them in the face (My husband likes that quote).


So Joe asked me again the other day if I would want to know if he killed someone. And again, I said yes. Thankfully, his job and MOS might not require him to be in much combat, if any at all. My grandpa was a mechanic in Vietnam. When he was asked if he killed anyone, he used to tell a story about being in the motor pool one evening when three enemies walked in. He says he fired at them, but doesn't know if he killed anyone. But now being an Army wife and not a granddaughter, it makes me wonder if it was just a story to keep us quiet. Surely he knew if he had killed someone. And of course he wouldn't tell his small grandchildren the whole story, but would he tell his wife?


I want Joe to be able to purge all he needs to. And my mother asks me, do you want to know when Joe has to kill that 9 year old holding a gun? But more than for my curiosity, I want Joe to be able to get it all off his chest without the guilt of thinking I'm going to label him a bad guy. This is war. He's in the Army. I knew this when I married him. So yes mom, when that 9 year old has a gun aimed at my husband, I want my husband to shoot back. And I want him to be able to tell me he survived another day because he did what he needed to do. I don't want him to think he has to bury that deep inside and live with that secret for the rest of his life.

What can I say... fuzzy morals.



I haven't expressed this thought to many people. I get two very different extreme reactions. Some people are quick to understand and see where I'm coming from. Others cant see the reasons I feel are very warranted and want to reprimand me for my ideas. I just wanted to send this out into the void. I don't know if these thoughts are normal for a woman married to an Army solider. I've been told I might be more open to the idea because of my background and psychology degree. But these are my thoughts. And I promised myself that I would be as honest as I could on this blog.

Would you want to know? Would you want your husband to be able to share that with you if he wanted to?

5 Days

I have 5 days of work left! This is a freaking fabulous thing! Don't get me wrong, I will miss my friends a bunch, but the rest of the nuts there, well, best to leave them in Kansas.

Did y'all know I'm a para at an elementary school? We aren't teachers, but we sure do make a difference! I've had many teachers tell me that paras set the tone for a school and truly help the teachers. And when we're used to the best of our ability, and they don't hire stupid people or are working under a retarded administration, we can run a school!

My job was amazing last year. My heart was in it. I felt like I was making a difference in someone's life. The teachers were lovely and my bosses were in it to win it. This year is just not the same. New boss. New teachers. New paras. It's just different. And my heart isn't in it. I have a little girl that I will miss so much! I worry that she will wonder where I've gone and her progress will suffer. But I'm also sad that she will eventually stop asking for me. I will wonder about this little girl for years. But I'll never see her again. She will soon forget about Mrs. Sutliff. But I will think about her when she's in middle school and high school.

Is this what Army wife life is like? We make pit stops every few years, try to touch a heart or make a difference in someone's life, and then pick up and leave?

My fellow Army wife friends talk to me about emailing and calling, visiting and vacationing, while the "civilians" are just mad at me. Literally! "Why do you have to leave? Cant you just stay here?" This is what we do. We are Army wives. We are nomads.