You really never know what's just around the corner.

How did I get here? I've been asking myself that a lot lately. Not that I regret any of it. But it seems like all of a sudden, in a blink of an eye, I'm 26, married to a soldier, living in Colorado, talking about a deployment. Its just ridiculous to think about. I've loved Joe since I was 18 years old. But when we were in college together, there was NO way I would have ever thought we would be living in Colorado. I never would have thought he would be a soldier.

Do you think things happen for a reason? Do you think you have certain experiences so you can be prepared for something at a later date?

Joe said that he doesn't worry about me living alone. I'm not one of those girls that went from my daddy's house to my hubby's house. I lived alone while I was in college. Its not all that bad. Joe said he worries about me missing him. I guess that's a normal worry. The man I love is going to a war zone for a year. I'll miss him with ever fiber of my being. It will be hard to live without him. But I assume I will get used to it. Which I think will be even harder to live with.

"We've gotten lucky I haven't deployed yet. This has been borrowed time. My year deployed will be fine. And I will come back fine. And then you too will be a seasoned Army wife and know how to deal with a deployment. Sara, its not TWO YEARS in Germany. Dont think about me leaving, think about me coming home."

Even now I go through the motions of living in this house and wonder what it will feel like when he's gone. When his tan boots aren't by the door. When the video game peeps aren't in the background. When his dirty clothes arent piled up in our closet.

I think about the year apart. Cooking alone. Sleeping alone. Living alone. But lately, I've been thinking past that. I've been thinking about what will happen when he returns. Will things be the same? Will he be the same? Will I be the same? Will we do some of the same things, like cuddle on the couch? Will he touch me the same way? Will he look at me the same way? When I ask Joe, I get the best response: "I'll still be me." But I've been around long enough and have done my research on PTSD and other issues returning soldiers can have to know the answers to these questions (A blessing and a curse to have a psychology background in this case). Joe can pretend all he wants, but he's never been in a war before. He's never had to aim at another person. He's never had to take a life. It changes people. And it should! That's a very profound moment in someone's life. How you react to that action defines who you are as a person, who you are as a soldier. Joe knows me well enough to know what to say to me. He describes his job and how *safe* he will be. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around this one, but we'll see. He even got his spare gas mask out and showed me how it works. It was a cute little memory I will hold on to.

So here I am .. 26 years old. Living in Colorado. Preparing to live on my own for a year. With a loyal dog. And a loving husband. Looking for a good job. Dreaming of grad school. Thinking about myself at 20. You really never know what's just around the corner.

Should I stay or should I go?

Joe and I are PCSing to Ft. Carson, CO this December. The chances of him deploying are pretty good. Everyone keeps asking me, are you moving home?

Ugh.. I just don't know. I've never been to Colorado Springs. I might absolutely love it and want to stay there forever. I might hate it and relish the idea of getting out of there. I don't know.

But besides all of that, I have the ability to go home if I want to. I can live in my old college town; work, go to school, be around family and friends. It would be nice.

But if I love the Springs, I might want to stay there. I lived alone in college. It doesn't really bother me.

There is only one nagging thought in the back of my mind. What if something happens to Joe? I would much rather be at home surrounded my family and friends. But it's so much more than just being comforted. If I was living in the Springs, I would have to pick my life up and move. In the middle of all the turmoil and sorrow, I would have to pack up my whole life with my husband and move it some where else. I would have to change everything around me. If I was already home, I would have a life here, a plan here. I would by able to pick up the pieces and go on much easier. Physically, not much would change.

And here comes the psychological thoughts...
Would I be trying to keep myself in denial? I could just pretend Joe was downrange forever? I would have time to confront the fact that my husband is dead in a familiar comforting place.

Okay, I can hear the sighs already. My last two posts (this one and the one before this) have been about Joe dying downrange. Will I think about it? Of course. We all do. But I need to plan. I need to know what I would do in a certain situation. I'm sure some of you do this too. I need to have the thoughts already sorted out in my head so I know what to do if something like this happens. Do I think Joe will die downrange. Not really. It's a possibility. He's in the Army and he would be downrange. Of course it's a possibility. But I just cant think like that. It would ruin my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely not one of these people that try to stay positive all the time. Sometimes positivity isn't the way to go. I try to stay realistic. And being realistic to me means planning out the details.

Two for the price of one?

Hypothetical question, sorta.

Say you order something from a store, just one of something, that costs about $50. And they already have it boxed up when you arrive to pick it up. You pay for it and go home. When you open the box, you find that there are two somethings in your box. You check your receipt... and yeah, you only paid for one. What do you do? Do you say something? Do you take the extra one back? Do you keep your mouth shut and consider yourself luck?

My last year in college, I wrote a psychology experiment that was titled: Finders Keepers, Losers Weepers. In the experiment, the participants found something on the ground (unlabeled envelope full of money, labeled envelope full of money, a wallet, or a gold and diamond bracelet) and they would need to decide what to do with the found object. I thought it was an amazing experiment (as did my professor if I don't say so myself).

But now... I feel like **I'm the one** in the psychology experiment...

Moral dilemmas? Ethical biases? Hmmm.....