Merry Christmas or Bah Humbug?

I have been married to Joe since the Summer of 2007. That in the ONLY tree we've ever had the opportunity to put up.

Christmas 2007 we were moving to Kansas.

That picture was taken Christmas of 2008.

Christmas 2009 we were moving to Colorado.

And this year? Well, I'm just not in a super holiday spirit. The holiday season keeps poking me in the side, trying to get me jump started. But I just cant. I have Christmas cards up around my entertainment center. I have stockings up. I have small Christmas decorations up around my house. I've been opening up one present a day since the 1st thanks to my mother and her advent calendar. Christmas has invaded my house, but not my heart. I am going through the motions. But I just dont feel it this year. I still have the tree in the picture above. I even have a really cute wreath that I wanted to put up on my door. But I just have no motivation this year. I am more excited about Joe's small tree in his Chu surrounded by presents. I want him to feel the love of the season even though he is far away. And in a very ironic turn, I feel like I shouldnt be happy about Christmas. It's a great excuse to be lazy about the whole month.

So what Sara, is this post a huge pity party? Maybe. I dont have kids to put on a smile for. I will cuddle with Rigel and talk to Joe on Skype, maybe I'll get a phone call. This is the best Christmas I can hope for. Basically, this Christmas is just another day closer to Joe returning. It doesnt feel like Christmas Eve. My mom will call me from the family holiday party, and I will cry. But I cry about a lot of stuff. :) Last year was a pretty rough Christmas, I would say worse than this one. We were living in a Holiday Inn motel room, as we had just moved here. My mom called me and I cried. Joe felt bad. We knew he wouldnt be here for the next Christmas, this Christmas. But Joe went out of his way to make sure I had a good day. We went to breakfast Christmas morning. Then went out to the Garden of the Gods and took a nice stroll together. Last Christmas was sad. This Christmas is just like... ehh, blah. But I DO have great plans! I'm going out to eat with my neighbors tonight. And then to a friend's house tomorrow. She has kids and I look forward to seeing their sweet smiles on Christmas Day. I got them small gifts too. And I can bring Rigel. So inspite of this little pity party, dont feel bad for me. It's another GREAT day closer to seeing Joe again! And almost the end of 2010. So it's a happy day, despite the blahness in my mind.

40 WEEKS DOWN!!

Day 281
Another week down! WOOHOO!!

A year ago today, I was all packed up in the car with Rigel, making an 8 hour drive from Junction City (Ft. Riley), KS to Colorado Springs (Ft. Carson), Colorado. Joe was driving in front of me. Rigel is a good little traveler, my little nomad. He has his own little seat belt. He likes to look out the window and bark at birds. And stick his nose in the air vents and smell the new air. That white blanket was his Christmas present from my mom one year. We always put it in the front seat when he's traveling with me. And that puffy silver white thing? The best jacket I have ever had!! Growing up in Arkansas, a heavy sweater would be sufficient during most winter days. But after going through a winter in Colorado Springs, and starting another one now, it's the best $15 I've ever spent at Wal-Mart. Yeah, it's a $15 Wal-Mart jacket, and I LOVE it!! I have a black one in the back of my car all the time, just in case. Rigel also likes to lay on it. It's gets snugly warm really fast.

It's amazing how a year can go by so fast. And so much can change. And so much can stay the same. I think back to that day. I was so nervous about the move. I was leaving so much behind. It was my first duty station. I had built a life there. We were told that we would be there for 6 years. But nope, 2 years, on the dot, we moved. I was leaving a job and wonderful friends. People I relied on. I was nervous about a new command. And we were certain that a deployment was in Joe's future, either that March to Iraq or in July to A'stan. New friends to make. A new job to find. A new life to start... alone. But I have made some AWESOME friends. And I have been able to go back to school. So this move may have been a blessing in disguise. And the deployment money has made a lot of things possible. We will pay off Joe's car in just 2 years. And we have a nice little savings started for a down payment on a house in the not too distant future.

So just in time for Christmas, the Springs had a massive wind storm that managed to throw something into my car window. And not just a regular window, oh no, it was the tiny triange piece that apparently costs more to replace because it's smaller than the rest of the glass. Well, I was expecting the replacement cost to be close to $300. But I found a place online that has great reviews that will come out to my house and replace the window for only $149 (tax, labor, mobile service, and the actual window are included)!!!! I've never had to replace a window before. This is all new to me. But that sounds like a great price compared to the other places I called; they wanted to charge between $217 and $256. They will be out here today between 0800 and 1130 to replace it.

All in all, it's not a bad situation though. I was sitting in my house steaming, f*cking window. Damn wind. And it hit me pretty hard, as things go, it's not the end of the world. December 20th, I could be worrying about much bigger stuff. But I'm not. It's just a window. Very fixable. I have many things to be thankful for, so I'm not going to let a silly window get to me. Many people are having a very rough December, because of jobs and the economy and the holiday at the end of the week. But we have the money to fix the window, and we wont be strapped because of it. Gotta think about the big picture.

And I woke up to this from my love this morning: good morning beautiful. one more day closer to kissing your face.

39 Weeks!

Day 274

We're getting there, slowly but surely. :)

Christmas is getting closer! And packages are rolling in. I got a box full of goodies from my MIL this week. LOTS of good stuff. Joe and I are already fighting over the house shoes.

I had an office party last Friday. It was fun and funny! And an FRG meeting that evening. We did an ornament swap. It was fun too. And the meeting notes!!! Of course I wont post anything here, but WOOHOOO!!! Squeeeeee!!!! Lots of dates, redeployment "maybe" dates, estimated block leave dates, and... wait for it....... a Battalion Ball!!! Yeah, so I have been married to Joe for just about 3 and a half years and I have NEVER been to a ball. Joe says they arent all that exciting, but since he's ETSing, I want to go to at least ONE silly ball. Joe went to many in Germany, but I wasnt there of course. And the ones in KS? Well, their unit was attached to some other group so they went to MO for their balls, usually right before or after a trip to the field, so I wasnt at those either. So I FINALLY get to get all dolled up and go with Joe somewhere while he's in his Class As!! And I'm excited about it.

Joe got his Christmas care package yesterday. He immediately asked if he had to wait until Christmas to open his presents. Of course you do Silly!!! I let him open one today. I sent a small tree, about a foot and a half tall (folded in the large flat rate box). He put the tree together and placed all the presents under it. And the sweetheart took a picute of it and posted it for me before I could even ask. It's sad that a person's whole Christmas can fit in a large flat rate box, even with two rolls of toilet paper.

Oh, and scroll down and take the little poll on the right side of my blog. Thanks!

Early Christmas present from Joe!

YES! An autographed photo of Sarah McLachlan!!! I have always loved her music and style. Joe is so thoughful!

38 Weeks!

Day 267

So we got some GREAT news this week! We have a redeployment window!!! I have a "I will be home by XXX." But as any experienced Army wife knows, that date can ALWAYS change, but it's nice to have some date to look forward to. And it's nice to see them think about coming home.

And I had my last Child and Adolescent Development class yesterday. I totally have an A in the class! My next term starts in January, so the holiday break will be nice. I need to work on a cross stitch project anyway. Hopefully I can finish it over the holiday.

I am loving my Advent Calendar. My mom is just too sweet! So far I have gotten lots of chocolate, some candy, a glove and hat set, a little money, the cutest JOY holiday earrings, and some really cool hair ties. Rigel got 4 Rigel-sized tennis balls and his favorite treats! He loves them.

I have a couple holiday parties coming up. I've never been a super social person. In fact, I prefer to be alone anyway (Joe and Rigel dont count, they are family). But I am basically forcing myself to go to these parties because I think I should be around other people during the holidays. Why? I honestly dont know. The best I can come up with is... well.. peer pressure. "Oh no Sara, will you be alone this Christmas?" "I'm so sorry your husband is deployed, is being alone during the holidays the hardest part?" But it's really okay with me, being alone is okay. It's just a part of life. We all knew we would be alone for some major things, birthdays, anniversarys, and yes, OMG, Christmas too. Sometimes it seems like this has just dawned on people and they cant hold the sympathy back. I was invited to my PROFESSOR'S house last night. Really folks. Really. So this Christmas I will spend some of it with a good friend going through the same thing, and then the rest of the evening talking to my love online, which is where I want to be anyway, at home, in my pajamas, snuggling with Rigel, talking to Joe. And some people think that's depressing and that means I'm depressed, well, I got news for you people, I'm not depressed. Christmas will be an awesome day in this household. It marks another month closer to Joe being home. And I'm always down for that. And depression has many faces. But snuggling with my pup can never be depressing. And quite frankly, I dont really care about Christmas as much as some other special occassions, like our birthdays and our anniversary. Our anniversary was much harder than this Christmas will be.

I just wanted to put that out there for everyone. Dont pity the Army wife. Ask her if she has plans, or wants plans, on that special day, and then drop it. She's strong. She has to be. She's an Army wife. I spent last Christmas in a motel room. LOL. I've had one normal Christmas since I got engaged to that man. This is my normal.

37 Weeks!!!

DAY 260!!

DECEMBER 1ST!!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!!!

Buh Bye November!!

This is very exciting on many levels. My advent starts today! My mom created an advent calendar for me this year since I'm alone in Colorado and Joe isn't here. I get to open one present a day from now until Christmas. Sorry for the crooked pic, it's the best I could get in my small hallway. I wonder what's in the first box???

Another month down! So basically, we only have 2 months and some change left in this deployment. This is a FANTASTIC thing!! We still don't have a redeployment date, or even a mail cut off date for that matter, but such is life. I know having a date this far out is probably unrealistic. But I want them to just start acting like they're coming home soon.

Deployment walls. I had two completely different conversations with people about hitting walls this week. I have decided that if you hit one, deal with it then. But if you try to anticipate them, or just sit and wait for it, of course it's going to happen. Don't drag yourself through this deployment, be an active participant, whatever that means for you. I use countdowns and care packages. Joe and I decided that this deployment just might be a positive thing after all. We have our reasons, none that I care to share with you right this minute. But I have decided that I wont hit another wall. And I may, something may happen and I might crumble, but I'm not going to wallow in this deployment. I have tried not to the whole time, but now I am making a cognitive decision to... well.. be happy. I am giving myself permission to be happy, even without Joe, all alone, for Christmas and New Years and my birthday. And I will still miss Joe like crazy, I'm not saying my life will be all flowers and puppy dog tails. But I was sitting in my office laughing about something Joe said, and in that moment, I felt completely happy. I haven't let myself feel that way in such a long time. I felt SO guilty afterwards. But why?? Yeah, yeah, my husband is deployed. But its almost over. And I am a person, I need to feel happy. I need it on a molecular level. I need to laugh until milk comes out of my nose. I need to bathe myself in the endorphins of happy and joy. I need to take care of myself, mentally, so I can be a better partner when Joe comes home. So buh bye deployment walls. I'm sure you served a purpose 80 days into this deployment, but after 260 days, I'm done with you. I don't need you as a coping mechanism anymore. I have my happy back. So I wanted to give all of you dealing with the same deployment demons that I am the permission to be happy, without feeling guilty.